Perhaps the strangest and most mysterious organization on Ur — and that’s sure saying something, sister — is The Cult of the Hirsute and Pogonotomy.
The Cult of the Hirsute and Pogonotomy is certainly the deadliest of all of them.
The only thing we really do know about the Cult of the Hirsute and Pogonotomy is that all the members have elaborately styled and meticulously groomed facial air. This is true of the women as well as the men.
It is believed that the Cult of the Hirsute and Pogonotomy originated somewhere in N-istan, in the disputed borderlands between Thela Hun Jinjeet and Unpronounceable (топографический океан).
Their purpose is shrouded in mystery.
Their membership is secretive.
Their aim is an enigma.
There are a few things we do know the Cult of the Hirsute and Pogonotomy.
First, anyone who gets close enough to a cult member doesn’t have long to enjoy whatever it is they have just learned about the cult. It is known through scrying that most common thing people say before dying is “how do you get it to stay that way?”
Second, whether it is means or ends, mayhem generally describes the circumstances about them. They have brought distaster to every continent, government, religion, philosophy, economy, and community they encounter. They are especially violent when confronted with Bingo Fund Raisers and Bake Sales.
It is presumed there is a single, central leader of the Cult of the Hirsute and Pogonotomy. The international pool on who exactly that turns out to be is still open, at five gold a block. See your local post office for details.
It is also believed that there are three Generals in the cult.
Zig Zag is said to wear gleaming armor and carry a long lance and shield. His beard and mustache are said to be exquisite.
Aba Daba is said to wear flowing robes with flowers woven into his hair. His beard and mustache are said to be exquisite.
The High Voltage Man wears a black suit of clothing and a wide-brimmed, black hat. His beard and mustache are said to be exquisite.
Should you encounter any of these three, rest assured there is no one who will think you a coward for shrieking and fleeing. And, even so, in the phrase, “die with honor or live with shame,” we like to put the emphasis on “shame.”
Just as Cato the Shorter informs Parliament in Ur-et-Scatia every day that “Vulgaria Must Be Destroyed,” we all know that sooner or later there will have to be some sort of global reckoning with the Cult of the Hirsute and Pogonotomy.
Later is better.