No one knows for certain when the ‘Pataphysical Sorcerers blew Ur into bits.
What do know is eighty-five years ago, enough order had been restored to agree on when to start counting down The Aftermath. The Wizards agreed on setting the year at -500. They figuring it would take that long to put enough of the world back together to say things were “moving forward again.” Most people regarded this as wildly optimistic.
The Aftermath, being a time focused on the basics of survival, is generally unpleasant. Things smell bad. Things taste bland. Things feels rough. And, all of these lousy things are sparse.
And, so, amid this background of misery, a sector of the economy emerged, which can be described as “doing incredibly dangerous and reckless things to recover pre-Aftermath goods from the places where they had been hoarded.”
These hoards were the centers of power, economy, knowledge, and civilization during the reign of the Sorcerers. Thus, they were the primary targets of the most powerful ‘patalogical weapons used in the war that ended civilization. What remains are ruins surrounded by highly ‘patalogical fields of thaumaturgical radiation. If you want to suddenly grow a third arm or find yourself walking on another plane of existence, these ruins are just the place you’ve been looking for.
Worse, the only things that can survive — even thrive — in these fallout zones are monstrosities, aberrations, demons, devils, and unnamable beings generally referred to as “AHHHHHH!!!” or “OHGODSOHGODSOHGODSOHGODS!!!” by the people fleeing them.
Since removing objects from these ruins is a high-risk occupation, the pay is good for the survivors.
Of course, there is nothing to spend these wages on, other than maybe a life-time supply of turnips. Most of these suddenly wealthy adventurers walk across the street to the store selling the objects they only recently purloined from the ruins of civilization. And, so, these brave — read, stupid — raiders would immediately exchange their bags of gold for the goods they had only recently held in their possession — at a tremendous mark up. If you are dumb enough to walk willing into a field of highly ‘patalogical background thaumaturgy, you are stupid enough to be swindled by the people who paid you to do it.
Eventually, however, it dawned on these brave — read, stupid — raiders, “oy, now, wait-a-minute-then. This ‘ere is ‘A Bad Deal,’ inninit?” Indeed, it was ‘A Bad Deal.’
And, so they did what all laborers do when they are stuck with “A Bad Deal.” They unionized.
What emerged was the Amalgamated Substrates of Ur, a thieves’ guild. They organized crime. They developed a secret language for conducting their criminal enterprises, called Thieves Cant. They united the catacombs, tunnels, and portals underlying most of Ur. The Wizards, the Kings, and the Bankers might own the surface, but ASU owns the access to and from The Underdark.
Thus, having formed an organization to offset “A Bad Deal,” the Amalgamated Substrates of Ur set out to secure what all unions seek. They made sure they had “A Piece of the Action.”
All goods coming in and out of raids on the former centers of civilization need to be either conducted by the Amalgamated Substrates of Ur or pay an “independent operators fee,” to the organization. Failing to do this is cause for voiding life insurances policies by the few remaining Actuarials on Ur.
Which brings us to how exactly the worst tavern in Ur-et-Scatia — a city renown for exceptionally bad hospitality — came in possession of several kegs of the most desirable whisky ever recovered from the once great nation of Gloriana (now called Merdeterre). The proprietor of The Vulgar Prawn, one existentially dubious fellow name Skirfy, was entrusted by the Amalgamated Substrates of Ur with the task of [a] delivering three casks of Dwarven whisky (twenty-four year old Feicfidh tú Déithe) to Baron Saturday, [b] collecting the vast treasure these casks fetch on the grey market, and [c] then remit said treasure to a duly-appointed representatives of the ASU. Most of all, Skify was to collect the Baron’s signature on the receipt.
A wiser man, a man with a more acute sense of self-preservation, would have seen to this task himself.
He did not.
Skirfy untrusted it to his Third-Best Barmaid and his Dishwasher. He did stop to think: “how reliable, really, is the Third-Best Barmaid and the Dishwater at worst tavern in a city of appallingly bad taverns?” Skirfy is not a thinking-man’s man.
***
Roll initiative!
Weakchin materialized in the utilities room at the Baron’s estate to see what the trouble was. He saw Unauthorized Personnel in a conversation with the Lighting Imp.
Meaglin, Brialle, and Brialle’s onyx dog looked across the room to see a Bearded Demon appear. Towering over six feet tall, muscular, red-skinned, and featuring long, barbed tendrils writing beneath his chin, Weakchin carried a menacing looking glaive.
A couple of things happened nearly at once. Brialle felt a compulsion to run out of the room, but easily pushed it aside. Meaglin swashed a serious injury on Weakchin with a sneak attack, and then Meaglin buckled when Weakchin struck with with both the glaive and his barbed beard. A Firbolg rushed into the Utilities Room from the Kitchen to see what the matter was, and she was quickly followed by a formidable human women dressed in a barmaid’s skirts. What the heck?
With all of this confusion and Maeglin on death’s door — and Death very much interested in renewing a conversation he had started with Maeglin — the situation could have been very bad indeed, until Brialle channeled the divinity of the Goddess of Small Streams and Domesticated Animals into Weakchin, rendering him Held, unmovable and cognizant of him impending demotion. Weakchin was quickly dispatched.
Dani, who began this encounter paralyzed under mysterious circumstances, rushed to her room to suit up for the fight, returning in time to see it was over. And, for his part, Muffins proved about as useless as he has been from the outset. Muffins’ confidence is so shaken by the fact that a barmaid is the more formidable of the two that he is now considering a future as a turnip farmer.
The party seeking answers to understand any of the many mysteries of The Great Chicken now had two new allies.
Maeglin rushed forward to made a sneak attack on Weakchin, injuring the devil. Weakchin, in return, nearly killed Maeglin with attacks from his glaive and the barbed spines on the tentacles writhing beneath the devil’s chin. Maeglin retreated, bleeding and in mortal danger.
And, the fight was going badly, even with two new allies. Dani, still paralyzed was out of the fight. Muffins, to his growing frustration, was as useless. Maeglin would likely bleed to death before the end of the fight.
Then, Brialle and the Goddess of Small Streams and Domesticated Animals, cast Hold on Weakchin. Frozen in place, Weakchin could do nothing but await his imminent demotion.
As the fight swayed against him, the Imps who would have been his allies, suddenly found themselves rooting for the party. With a “management change” in place, the party was able to complete the transfer of the Lighting Imp into the job of the Plumbing Imp.
Keeping his word, as a lawful but evil creature, the Imp answered two of the three questions he owns the party.
The most pressing question being: Where is the Baron?
The answered truthfully that he was last aware of the Baron in his office. He explained that the Baron was there, then the Baron was not.
The party moved down the hall to the office on the first floor, searching it for clues. They found paper work regarding the Estate operations, orders and purchases — including a deliveries for a lot of art supplies. The party realized that this was the office of the Day and Night Butlers — Arthur and Blank.
Brialle rushed up to the third floor, confident that the Baron’s office would be behind one of the locked doors off the landing. The rest of the party, terrified over what Brialle might do when she got there, quickly followed after.
Concerned that the place was riddled with dangers, Cessair cast detect traps, sensing danger but strangely unable to determine the specific nature — magical or mechanical, deadly or dangerous.
They explored the attic passages, and discovered the answer to Cessair’s riddle. She had been surrounded by traps of numerous types and dangers.
And, in one attic room, they found the well preserved body of Yolanda, the Burgoman of the village. They stirred her spirit, which was angry and vengeful. It attacked, and had to fight for their lives.
Meanwhile, in one of the attics, Brialle discovered a squirrel, which she improbably befriended.
Maeglin explored the various trapped chests and items in the attics, and decided not to tangle with them.
The party then explored the door to the right of the landing. This proved to be Arthur’s room, evidenced by his jacket and top hat hanging from a coat rack.
Unsure what to do about the door in the center of the hall, they proceeded to the double doors to the left of the landing.
They tired several tricks to find their way into this locked room, including Brun attempting to punch her way through the door and the wall next to it. Dani used her portable hole’s pocket dimensionality to put the lock into another reality, allowing the door to swing open on the hinges.
Inside the room, they found a kind of museum gallery of art work. There were suits of armor, weapons, artifacts, and a large tomb on a stand in the center of the room.
Most notably, they found six paintings hanging on the walls, and one in progress.
- A tall, old man with a white beard and a shock of thick, white hair. He is dressed mostly in white. His left hand is raised above his head, and his left is held at chest level with his index finger pointing down. He is in a room, and behind him are paintings and tapestries.
- A large man, with brown hair and a brown beard, is dressed mostly in green. He holds his left hand over his head, his fingers outstretched, and his right is held at chest level with his thumb and index finger nearly pinched together leaving only a slight gap. Behind him in a field of black are three planets with numerous moons. The planets are ordered small, medium, and large.
- A thin man with grey hair and a grey beard wears red robes. He holds both his hands at chest level, the right above the left as if cupping the air in the space between his palms. His background is pure black and pure white divided vertically down the center of the painting.
- A heavy man with red hair and a red beard holds both hands over his head, his arms stretched wide. His background is divided horizontally in thirds: the bottom a highly realistic painting of a wood floor and stone walls, the middle an impressionist mosaic of walls and a window, the top an abstract and disjointed painting of what might be walls and a ceiling.
- The fifth man has a short black beard and close cropped black hair tapering into widow’s peak high on his forehead. He holds his left hand held at his chest with his palm flat and horizontal to the ground, and his right hand is raised above his head pointing upwards with his index finger. His background is a field of stars.
- The last painting is entirely black.
- A work in progress is illustrates a dumpy, awkward man. He wears a baggy set of robes with a pointed hood. They hang loosely around his body. He holds his hands in his pockets. The robes over his round belly are not drawn, but appear to be been started and erased several times. There is a title, which also has been written and erased several times: “The Grand Gidoume.”
After exploring the curious paintings, the party turned their attention to the large book. Written in a language they could not quite comprehend, it appeared to be very similar to Celestial. When they disturbed the book, they set off the Security System. Two sets of armor and a sword came to life. The party fled the room throwing the doors shut behind them. Retreating down the hallway, they wonder, “can the suits of armor open the door?”
The doors begin to open….
We have a lot to learn about Cessair and Brun. There’s a door you have to find a way to open. Dani has detected one hell of a lot of undead… well… everywhere. And, there’s an invoice and payment due to Skirfy. But, first, there’s a problem with a certain set of animated objects you have to see to.